Do Kids Need to Say “Please” and “Thank You”? A Pediatric SLP Perspective on Manners and Language Development

If you’ve ever found yourself saying,“Say please!” or “What do you say?” - you’re not alone.

Teaching kids to say “please” and “thank you” is often seen as a core part of raising kind children. But from a neurodiversity-affirming pediatric SLP perspective, these “magic words” might not be as essential as we think - at least not in the way they’re often taught.

Let’s talk about why many speech therapists are rethinking the emphasis on manners, especially for neurodivergent children, and what to focus on instead.

Communication vs. Manners: What’s the Priority?

In speech and language development, the primary goal of communication is to:

• Express wants and needs

• Share thoughts and ideas

• Build connection with others

• Develop self-advocacy skills

  
  

When a child says:

• “juice”

• “help”

• “go outside”

They are engaging in functional communication.

Adding “please” doesn’t make the message clearer - it makes it more socially conventional. And while social conventions matter, they should not come at the expense of effective communication skills, especially for late talkers, autistic children, and augmentative and alternative communication (AAC) users.

Why Some SLPs Deprioritize “Please” and “Thank You”

In pediatric speech therapy, we often focus on helping children build a strong foundation of functional language before layering in social conventions. We prioritize communication over compliance.

For many children - especially those who are:

• Autistic

• Gestalt language processors

• Late talkers

• Using AAC

…requiring “please” and “thank you” too early can create unnecessary barriers to communication.

Here’s what that can look like:

• Increased language demands in moments of need

• Interrupted communication attempts and communication flow

• Reduced spontaneous communication

• Children learning their needs are only met if they perform expected language

Over time, this can impact early childhood communication development, leading to frustration, shutdowns, or fewer communication attempts.

When Should Kids Learn “Please” and “Thank You”?

Here’s the nuance that often gets missed:

From an SLP perspective, we typically introduce and expect more consistent use of “please” and “thank you” after a child has a strong base of functional language.

That often looks like:

• Around 50+ functional words, or

• When a child is starting to combine two words (e.g., “more juice,” “want car”)

• Typically developing around ages 2–3, though this varies widely

  
  

Building that early vocabulary helps children learn that:

• Words get their needs met

• Communication is powerful

• Talking or using AAC works - and works quickly

  
  

And when communication is effective, you often see:

• Fewer tantrums / shut-downs

• Less frustration

• More engagement

  
  

Only then does it make sense to gradually layer in social language like “please” and “thank you.”

Are Manners Important for Kids?

Yes ... but context matters.

Teaching manners like “please” and “thank you” is part of social communication skills - not a prerequisite for having needs met.

Think about it this way:

Adults don’t lose access to basic needs because they forget to say “please.”

If you walk into a coffee shop and say, “Coffee,” you might not win Customer of the Month - but you’ll probably still get your drink.

We can model polite language without requiring it as a condition of being heard.

From a neurodiversity-affirming approach, this means:

• Honoring communication attempts as they are, even if they're not socially polished

• Not requiring children to “earn” access to basic needs

• Understanding that social language develops over time through modeling, not pressure

  
  

Manners are a social tool, not a gatekeeping mechanism.

What to Do Instead (SLP-Recommended Strategies)

If you’re wondering how to support both communication and kindness, here’s what our pediatric SLPs recommend:

1. Honor All Communication Attempts

If a child says “snack,” respond right away. This reinforces that communication works.

2. Model Polite Language and Manners in Real Life

Instead of prompting “say please,” try: "Snack please? Sure - here you go!"

And remember - one of the most powerful (and often overlooked) strategies?

Let your child hear you use “please” and “thank you” in everyday interactions.

• Ordering at a restaurant

• Talking to a cashier

• Asking a partner for help

• Passing items at the dinner table

Children learn social communication skills by watching you use them authentically!

3. Expand Language Naturally

Build on what the child says:"You want more juice! I can help you."

4. Avoid Withholding

Requiring “please” before giving an item can reduce trust and increase frustration.

5. Support Autonomy and Self-Advocacy

Clear, confident communication matters more than scripted phrases.

What About Teaching Respect?

Respect isn’t about using specific words - it’s about how we treat people.

In a neurodiversity-affirming therapy model, respect looks like:

• Listening to a child’s communication

• Responding to their needs

• Valuing all forms of communication (spoken, gestured, AAC)

• Supporting individual communication styles

  
  

When children feel respected, they are more likely to develop social communication skills - including polite language - naturally over time.

Will Kids Learn Manners Without Being Forced?

In many instances, yes!

Children learn “please” and “thank you” through:

• Repeated exposure

• Social modeling

• Real-life interactions

  
  

Just like any other aspect of language development.

And when learned this way, it's authentic - not performative.

A Simple Shift for Parents

So, the next time your child says “milk” instead of “milk please,” try this:

Pause. Respond. Model.

"Here's your milk - thank you for telling me what you needed."

This approach supports positive parent-child communication while still encouraging natural language growth.

We’re not raising perfectly polite robots. We’re supporting developing humans who deserve to be heard, understood, and respected at every stage of language development.

By prioritizing functional communication, self-advocacy, and connection, we build a strong foundation for meaningful interaction - and yes, eventually, manners too!

But first, we make sure their voice is heard.

Connect with our experienced team of pediatric speech-language pathologists by calling 781-239-0100 or emailing frontdesk@bostonabilitycenter.com